Passion

[packbat]

I recall reading some time ago a story about a writer talking to a group of people at a party - naturally, the subject of 'getting around to writing' came up. How do you do it?, they asked. And the writer had no answer, for writing was simply what they did, something as automatic as breathing.¹

I mention this, because I don't feel that way about what I'm doing.

Engineering is good. Objectively, I mean - supports the social organism, at least if someone can make a buck thereby. (Although ASME, for example, still has the idealistic code of ethics from the years when such things were valued by the leading lights of the profession.³) Also as a career, since if you're any good someone can make a buck thereby. And I'm ... not actively bad, and certainly a good applied mathematician and a passable technical writer. Possibly even capable of thinking fast on my feet when talking to possible sources of money. But I'm not crazy about the work.

But what are you supposed to do, if you're a grad student already? Go to your advisor and say, "Sorry about the research projects, but I want to do comp. sci. now, seeya"? I think I find mathematics cool, but will it be cool if that's all I'm doing, eight hours a day? And if I can't say "yes, I'm sure", then isn't it a bad idea to drop out? If I can't say "no", isn't it a bad idea not to try it?

...I ought to get some sleep.⁴ Thanks for listening, anyway.


¹ I've probably read that story a dozen times, now that I think of it. I guess a lot of writers are ... well, writers, in this sense.<sup>2

2</sup> Yes, there are confirmed exceptions. Connie Willis, for example.

³ Approximately 1900-1930, I'd say - I read about it in a book, but it was a while ago.

⁴ Another bad sign - the engineers I've heard are complaining about four hours a night, and I'm whinging about only getting seven?

Comments

[baxil.livejournal.com]

What is it about the work that makes you drag your feet? Perhaps there's still wiggle room - for example, if it's just the idea of seeking out grants the rest of your life, maybe you could shift over toward a tenure track.

I think the big cutoff point is whether this is work you could conceivably see yourself doing for the rest of your life. If the answer to that is yes, then figure out what you can do to make certain your life doesn't get sucked into the job, and figure out some outside interests that will help you feel fulfilled (as Rob suggests).

If the answer to that is no, then -- grad student or no -- find a way to change tracks ASAP. It's either going to be moderately painful now or really painful later.

[packbat.livejournal.com]

...maybe it's open-endedness? It might be my nervousness about imperfection, it might be that I'm just not very self-motivated right now, but I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing, or how long it should take. I might work better if I had a clearer idea of the whole project.

Hmm. Maybe I've picked the wrong advisor, not the wrong major.